Wednesday, November 14, 2012


One of the chief political lessons of this new millennium is that Republicans have taken up residence in an alternative universe. You only have to watch them conduct the nation’s business, or hawk their unattractive political ideology, to realize how dark and angry and bereft of joy their alternate world truly is.

Strangely enough, for all the wealth their supporters possess, Republicans live in a world of shortage and insufficiency. For them, there will never be enough to go around. For them, the danger is clearly represented in the hordes of poor and struggling masses who, they worriedly suspect, would rise up to seize and redistribute their mountains of riches and possessions.

It would be, as they mostly fear, a marriage of the French and Bolshevik revolutions…

“Off with their wallets!”

Contrary to popular belief, women are allowed into this alternate Republican universe—as long as they mind their manners and their sexual organs, leave their opinions at the door, stop enticing men to rape them, and desist complaining about men getting more money and the best jobs. Hispanics, too, have their place in this ersatz America, as long as they’re willing to work for next to nothing. And promise not to bring any of their family over.

But, hey, I haven’t done a good deed all day. How about you and I rescuing the elephant from his dark unfriendly world, bringing in light, air, and the happy chatter of over one billion people…

Yes, let’s outsource Republicans to India!

How appropriate for the party whose presidential candidate was a proud “pioneer” of outsourcing.

But this is supposed to be a good deed, extracting the elephant from the dark place he inhabits, where gloom and fear of mob rule casts a heavy pall. How much sunnier, and more pungent a refuge India would be. Besides, India knows what to do with elephants. They put them to work, they venerate them, they even have an elephant diety named Ganesha. Whereas here, at least 47% of the population would shoot the elephant, were someone to hand out elephant guns.

I know, you’re worried about the impact. Can’t say I blame you, since Republicans have totally gummed up the works in Congress for the last four years. But India will do very well by insourcing the elephant—there’s all the extra money Republican billionaires will pump into the local elections. And it won’t even matter who wins. Republican billionaires love to throw their money away. Most of it will be spent spreading villainous lies, since that’s mostly what they know, but it’s time those masala-makers on the Indian sub-continent learned life isn’t really a Bollywood movie.  It only seems like one because they don’t have enough Republicans to bring the music to a stop. The elephant being the ultimate buzz-killer.

MESSAGE ALERT: here comes the serious recommendation.

I would like to suggest we say “bye-bye” to the elephant and give a real ‘hello’ to the Greenies. Send Republicans overseas and bring the Green Party in from the cold. We wouldn’t lose our two-party system. But for once both our parties would actually give a damn about the struggles of the middle class. And neither's ranks would be filled with obnoxious, whiny and self-righteous A-Holes who bitch about everything except the gluttony of their billionaire masters.

Some of us haven’t forgotten how the elephant went rogue during the Bush years. Committing acts of torture, ignoring global warming, jamming religious creational crap into children’s textbooks, looting the treasury for two wars and a financial crisis, hanging out with Jim Crow, tapping on men’s toilets; it’s sickening how long the list goes on.

There was a time the elephant represented both the interests of business and the needs of the people. Today, the elephant has become a born-again convert to fiscal restraint even as we’re still digging ourselves out from the ditch they drove the economy into.

Enough! I say enough is enough! Let’s not waste another moment; let's outsource the elephant as soon as we can get it shipped overseas.

Then all the elephant shit will be India’s problem.

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