IN CASES OF LEGITIMATE RAPE…

Me and the boys on the platform committee of the RNC were sitting around the convention center talking about you girls and all your nit-picking responses to Republican policies and priorities. After all the hullabaloo you gals kicked up about poor Todd Akin’s comments out in Missouri we decided to seek out a middle ground on this issue of abortion in cases where a woman has been legitimately raped.

I believe you’ll find our solution more than adequately answers your concerns as women, yet clearly holds the line against permitting abortions for any reason whatsoever.

Go down to page 24, paragraph 3 of our 2012 Republican National Platform and you’ll read, “Abortion shall not be permitted in the United States without exception, even in cases of rape or incest. To eliminate the need for abortion in cases of legitimate rape, we the men of the Republican Party promise to never use force in the rape of a woman, or to have unprotected sex with our sisters or our mothers. Additionally, it is the stated position of the Republican Party that all rapists must wear condoms during a legitimate act of rape.”

Pretty cool, eh? Believe me, it wasn’t easy working out that position or the language in which it was stated. Some of the boys on the committee wanted to require the police to use that invasive vaginal probe they like so much in Virginia whenever a woman claimed to be the victim of legitimate rape. Thinking, of course, that by doing so we might seriously reduce the number of reported legitimate rapes, which has its merits. See no evil, hear no evil, report no evil, if you know what I mean. 

In the end, we just decided to outlaw unprotected legitimate rape and leave it at that. We didn’t put it in the platform, but the consensus of the committee was that things would be a whole lot better if you women didn’t let yourself get raped—legitimately or otherwise, if you know what I mean.