Sunday, August 26, 2012

Ah Mitty, We Hardly Knew You!

Dear Mitty:

  I hope you don’t mind my calling you Mitty? ‘Mitt’ sounds so stiff, so formal, just like the blood-sucking millionaire we used to read about. The venture capitalist vampire who sucked dry the lifeblood of a hundred soon-to-die companies.
  So, allow me to call you Mitty. If only because you had your way with us all those years.
  Hey, It’s not easy to woo and screw an entire state, but you made it look like child’s play. Swooping down on us. Climbing in our window. A lover who came in the dark and left before dawn. We can still feel the lingering kisses, Mitty, and recall the eager, sophomoric foreplay of your 1994 senatorial campaign, not to mention the SLAM-BAM-THANK YOU M’AM screw job you gave us before you left.
  Yes you wooed us as a moderate Republican, Mitty, said your kisses and liberal leanings were all true and deeply felt. But then your ardor failed, your interest waned. Was it something we said? Many of us still recall that fourth year of your ONE-AND-ONLY term as governor, when you couldn’t find the interest to spend even half your days in the state. It was tough living with someone who was never around, Mitty. Clearly your love—if love it was—had fled somewhere else. 
  Though your marriage to us was consummated in Massachusetts, your heart was now committed to Washington, D.C.
  And what about when you derided Massachusetts' liberals down in Washington, Mitty? These days, you castigate Obama for apologizing for America. You were still our governor and you were dissing us to a panel of senators as if Massachusetts and its citizens were some objectionable lab-bred culture.
  Hey Mitty, it's not easy shifting your shape from a moderate to a conservative! The things you have to do, right?
  And so you left us; leaving your job as our top officeholder unfinished. How many people can govern a state for three years and finish their mission, Mitty? There was so much you still could have done. You had strong relationships with the legislature, knew how to get things done. Had even authored a universal health care bill that actually improved people’s lives. But you heard another voice calling. Once again, desire was rising. Here within reach was another object of affection to woo and screw. A new siren's call to chase after.
  I guess we should feel proud you left us for a bigger state. And not just any state, Mitty, or one state, but the entire United States of America! And if you don’t win them through election, whose to say you can’t buy them all later?
  Well, anyway, let me end this before I start to sound bitter. Don’t want you thinking your abrupt rejection has left us sad or bitter. Other states might feel exploited or cheapened by your quick, loveless encounter, like a prostitute who feels undeserving of a goodbye kiss. But we always secretly knew you would love us and leave us.
  No hard feelings, Mitty, we were only looking for a cheap thrill ourselves.
BTW: your Guatemalan landscapers asked to be remembered.


Paul Steven Stone

For The Commonwealth of Massachusetts
And All Your Former And Forsaken Constituents


  1. Mitty is a man with a plan. You have captured the true spirit of Mitty with humour and a sharp fish knife. May we be spared Mitty and others of his ilk.

  2. Susan: from your lips to God's ears, as they say. May we be spared indeed!