Mitt Romney Jumps Parties, Says “I was always a Democrat at heart”

Columbia, S.C.—After weeks of being pummeled and ridiculed in Republican primary contests for being a closet moderate, Mitt Romney stepped out of the closet today and declared himself a “full-blooded and full-throated Democrat”, pulling his hat out of the ring in the remainder of the Republican Presidential Primaries and signing up instead to challenge President Barack Obama for the nomination of his newly-adopted political party.

“I’ve always been more progressive and more of a Democrat than President Obama,” Romney declared. “Remember, first came RomneyCare, second came ObamaCare. As Democrats, we take care of the poor and the middle class. Nobody will fall between the cracks on my watch. Hell, the first thing I’ll propose once I win the nomination is an increase in taxes for the wealthy. Who knows better than me, how much more the 1% can afford to pay in taxes. President Obama doesn’t have enough money to get invited to our 1% secret society meetings. If he did, he’d most likely get mistaken for one of the help.”

When asked how he could justify walking away from the conservative posture he’s been avowing and defending for months on end, he smiled and answered, “Fooled you, didn’t I? All that time I was pretending to hate poor people, and attempting to demolish the middle class, I was really chafing at the bit to declare my love for my fellow man. Now I can’t wait to get down to Florida and debate President Obama. After allowing Tea Party madmen and millionaire shills to push him around like a 97 pound weakling, the President has a lot to answer for. How dare he take four years to turn around an economy that was gang-banged, sacked and left for dead by the Bush administration? How dare he allow the Republicans to front for billionaires and pretend to care about the working class in our country? How dare he rescue the American automobile industry and leave Lehman Brothers to twist in the wind? Hell, if you thought I was heartless strapping old Seamus to the top of our family wagon, how does that compare to Obama walking away from Health Care Reform without a public option in place? Everyone knows the insurance industry will make hash of any real financial reforms without the presence of a public option.

Speaking about the danger of being called a flip-flopper for jumping parties, Romney declared, “What if I tell the voters this is it, my final stand? Today—and forever—I believe women have a right to make decisions about their bodies. I believe life begins somewhere between 3-6 months after conception. I believe America lost its way when we attacked Iraq without clear reason, or when we tortured our prisoners and called it ‘enhanced interrogation.’ And now I truly believe that corporations are, well, corporations. Definitely not people. That sounded so lame when I said it not even conservative commentators could repeat it without smiling."

“So in summation,” Romney concluded, “I hope Democratic primary voters will forgive my previous lies and obfuscation. I may have dated the conservatives and Tea Partiers, but I can honestly say I never slept with any of them.”