ROMNEY TAKES HOSTAGE IN BID TO GRAB NOMINATION

Call it bravado, an innovative political maneuver, or an outright felony, but whatever you call it, Mitt Romney has taken a decisive step towards grabbing the Republican nomination for president.

“It all happened so suddenly,” cried Marie Fayreweather in describing the former Massachusetts Governor’s dramatic hostage-taking of her 6-month-old son, Bailey. “One moment I told Mr. Romney that as much as I admired his good looks and vast riches, I still intended to vote for Rick Santorum, the next moment he cried, ‘Not on my watch you won’t!’ and grabbed my little Bailey.

“Wait a second,” I pleaded, “Bailey is too young to vote, and besides I’m afraid he wouldn’t like traveling on top of your family station wagon.”

“Never fear,” Mitt rattled back, “Seamus never shares his dog carrier with anyone. And besides, if you won’t vote for me I’ll hold onto Bailey until he’s old enough to vote for me himself.”

Romney’s campaign later issued a statement denying that the candidate had wrested the child from his unwilling mother, but that Bailey had clearly indicated a preference for the moderate-but-severely-conservative Republican candidate. And that Mr. Romney intended to hold onto the ‘little tykester’ as he’s already called until Romney wins the Illinois Republican primary or the hunting season begins, whichever comes first.

Romney, as he’s often stated, is a gun-loving member of the NRA who has killed so many rabbits that the town of Belmont, where the governor once lived, had to restock the town forest on a yearly basis.

The Romney campaign’s newest political slogan, “Vote Romney if you ever want to see Bailey in daycare again!” is already picking up momentum and voter support. Without a doubt, a majority of undecided Republican voters find it more convincing than Romney’s earlier tagline, “I made $250 million off the sweat of others, imagine what I can do for our country.”

It’s too early to tell what long-range effects the hostage-taking might have on the primary or, eventually, the general election, but political pundits have already begun talking up Bailey as a possible Vice Presidential candidate.

So far there’s been no comment from Bailey, who hasn’t yet learned to speak.

WE ARE ALL SYRIANS!

When the cowards come for you they will come with tanks and overwhelming force. They will torture your children for daring to speak the truth. They will shoot your neighbors from rooftops as you attempt to bury your dead. They will bomb and shell your homes into rubble, then sift through the twisted steel and crumbling concrete lest anyone come out alive.

At night, when you are all alone and waiting for the cowards to break down your door you will tremble as you’ve never trembled in your life. You will look at your frightened family and realize how fragile is the world and the dreams you were foolish enough to believe in. Any hope or plans you nurtured for your children's future will be crushed like ants beneath the bloodstained boots of these cowardly murderers.

When the cowards break down your door and rudely snatch your sons from your arms you will fight like you’ve never fought before. You will struggle against all odds to keep them alive and free. You will struggle in vain to safeguard the only treasure worth defending with your dying breath.

When the cowards kill your sons and wives and brothers you will feel more alone than you’ve ever felt before. And you will wonder how it could be that no one heard your cries for help. That no one who witnessed the brutal killing spree came to your defense. That no one had the strength or courage to stand up to the cowards and shout “Enough! Stop the killing!” You will wonder why your pleas to God and humanity fell on deaf ears. Why your cries for help brought fighting words but no actual fighters to your assistance.

When the cowards come for you they will come with tanks and overwhelming force. And they will kill with defiant impunity; raining down destruction in front of a world that can only stare in frozen disbelief. A world that sadly hasn’t learned that each death of a defenseless civilian not only strengthens the cowards but diminishes the cowardly onlookers.

Look not upon the victims of Syria, friends, lest you see yourselves. Then wait. Sooner or later the cowards will come for you.